Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The Kimberley Diaries 2.6 - Girls A Go-Go
Welcome to final extract of the second volume of The Kimberley Diaries!
Well, 'The Kimberley Diaries: The Musical!' didn't quite go the way I'd hoped! The first night was fraught with problems. Our leading ladies weren't in the best of moods, words like 'shambles', 'fiasco' and 'bollocks' were bandied about. Su Pollard (Sarah) said all the shouting was hurting her voice. Rula Lenska (Nicola) was getting severe headaches from practising The Stare™. Kate O'Mara (Kimberley) and Stephanie Beacham (Cheryl) had to recreate touching Chim moments, but let's just say they didn't employ the method style of acting, off stage they were hissing and spitting at each other. Meanwhile, Gloria Hunniford (Nadine) was such a sweetheart, she baked cookies and offered me and Marcus Rescue Remedy when things got really bad. Then the show itself. The recreation of the 'Sexy! No No No…' video went awry when the inflatable dress 'Cheryl' was wearing had a slow puncture. I just knew having those scantily clad men running around with giant pins was asking for trouble! But Marcus did insist! By the end of the number, 'Cheryl' was sat in a lump of crumpled plastic with a face like a wet weekend. 'Kimberley' hissed at 'Cheryl',
"Darling, you look deflated!"
The panpipes version of 'Something Kinda Ooooh!' was a bad idea too, people started to walk out at that point. Marcus noticed and it wasn't long before he was having a nervous breakdown at the side of the stage. I'm sure the people still in the theatre could hear his hysterical ranting over the heavy metal version of 'Call The Shots'. I tried to reassure him that we should wait for the reviews, the local Bugle had a reviewer there and there was also one from miltonkeynes****yeah.com, something for the youth around there I suppose.
Then the next morning we read the reviews. Oh dear. The Bugle were kind in that they called it "something kinda poo, I've had more entertaining evenings worming the dog", miltonkeynes****yeah.com remarked "scenes got ****ter" and summed up that it was "****ing carp". I think that was a typo and they meant "crap" but have you seen spelling and grammar on the internet? It's shocking!
Anyway, I digress. Marcus went mental, he screamed that they were all "PHILISTINES!" He said the show was finished and he wouldn't spend a moment longer on the project, he told me,
"People aren't ready for a musical of this calibre, it pushes boundaries, it challenges people's perceptions of a female vocal group in the 21st century! But I'm not going to wait for the rest of the world to catch up with me!"
And with that he stormed out! So I had to break the news to the cast and crew, 'The Kimberley Diaries: The Musical!' was no more. They took it quite well really, a bit too well I think.
A few hours later I walked back to Marcus' flat, there were posters about the musical being cancelled stuck onto lamp posts and hoardings as I made my journey.
I dreaded to think what Marcus would be like when I got back. I got to the door and it was ajar, I pushed it and the flat was eerily quiet. Everything was gone. Oh except for a bin liner in the middle of the lounge with my laptop and an envelope on top of it. I picked up the envelope and recognised Marcus' elaborate and decorative handwriting. He did have lovely handwriting! Anyway, the contents were what I was expecting by this stage. His tear-stained letter revealed that he was totally broke and the bailiffs would no doubt…
"be after my balls, I've got debts up to my eyes and this musical was my final hope. Flee now my dear, farewell! Marcus x".
****! I gathered my things and realised that all the money I had was the change jangling in my trouser pocket, I'd invested the little savings I'd had in the musical! I shambled along the road feeling a big, dark cloud hanging over me. Could things get any worse? I stopped at the nearest Spar and decided to do the most sensible thing. Get drunk. So I gathered my change and took a four pack of lager to the counter. I paid the guy and realised I had one pound coin left. I looked at it and then remembered that it was a rollover on the national lottery that night. Sod it! I'll get a lucky dip although I did laugh to myself. Lucky? Me? I stuffed the ticket into my pocket and thought of going to the home of the one woman a man can rely on, whenever the chips are down, her unconditional love would comfort me. But as I didn't know where Gloria Hunniford lived, I went to my mum's instead.
There I stood on the doorstep as she struggled with her glasses to see who it was,
"Who is it? Oh it's you. What do you want?" she said with motherly concern.
I explained that I had nowhere to stay so she begrudgingly let me in. She may be an old cow but she didn't hesitate to do me beans on toast while I started on the first can of lager. We then settled in front of the TV and that lottery show came on, I remember the lotto ticket and got it out of my pocket. The balls started to jump around in the machine. The first ball rolled out, number one, yes had that! Then, 30, 20, ooh got those too, that was a tenner! I started to sweat when 17 came out. Four numbers, that's good that could be £50! 15, five numbers, fantastic! Then the last number, 5. So 1,5,15,17,20,30. All my bloody numbers!! I jumped out of my seat, mum was confused, I pointed at the ticket unable to string a sentence together. She got it then.
So there you have it. Or I have it. £8 bloody million!! Bunged a few quid mum's way. Booked a one-way ticket to the Bahamas, where I plan to get drunk and shag the days away. As I depart forever, I will leave you with another diary that fell into my possession a few days ago. It appears to be about a girl group in the Sixties, apparently wiped from musical history! Ah I remember the Sixties when I was a lad. Aah ooh rolling back the rivers in time…
Like I said, I'm off! I no longer care!
A SATURDAY IN JULY 1964
Dear Diary, y'alright love? It's the Sixties and everything is fab! Woooo as The Beatles sing, they're so dreamy… Any road, I've been meaning to keep a diary for a while, write down important events and stuff. I mean, people ask 'where were you when President Kennedy was shot?' Well I was getting my hair done, and I remember Sarah saying she was in the back of a Hillman Imp having a kiss and a cuddle with Reg from the storeroom.
Oh yeah, just six months ago, me, Sarah, Cheryl, Nicola and Nadine were working in a department store. Five girls who had ended up in the capital with a pocketful of pop dreams and also a dab hand at the twist! Not that Sarah had travelled far, she's Cockney through and through, brought up by Pearly Kings and Queens and born within smelling distance of a pie and mash shop.
"Cockles an' whelks juice is in me blahd!" she often says.
Nicola came to London hoping to be the first redheaded Scouse female singer, so she's really cheesed off about Cilla Black! I don't know why she didn't see it coming, she has a gift does our Nicola! A few years ago a teddyboy was mean to her, so she gave him a dirty look and his quiff collapsed! That's when she knew she possessed powerful peepers! She also goes into trances and predicts the future! We were in the staffroom one morning having a cup of tea and a Blue Riband. Nicola suddenly dropped her cup and the lockers behind her started to shake, her eyes were bulging. I thought her corset was too tight! Then she uttered in a distant voice,
"Dusty Springfield will leave The Springfields and go solo. Oh and the perm Cheryl is having next week will go wrong!"
Then it all went still and Nicola started to rub her head while we stared in shock.
"What the feck?!" gasped Nadine.
Nicola blushed, "Oh god did I just go into a trance?"
"Yes ya did pet," said Cheryl, "ya scared the life out of us! And what is that about me hair?"
"Not sure," frowned Nicola, "but me nan had the gift and she was always right."
Cheryl shook her head and said it was "mumbo jumbo". But by 'eck she changed her tune after her hair was wrecked the next week! And she was right about Dusty! So we pay attention to anything Nicola tells us when she's having a turn.
Cheryl had come from a poor background. Her family had to share one coat between them, and it doubled up as their bedspread too. One day when it was Cheryl's turn to have the coat she took off to London to seek a better life and be the next Helen Shapiro. With a wink and a charming smile, she hitched rides along the way, and once she was settled in the capital, and got the job at the store she sent the coat back, she felt guilty about her family shivering at night.
Nadine won a talent show in Ireland, her prize was a boat trip to England to make a record, but when she arrived the record company had gone into receivership. And when she was set to return home she realised she'd also lost her passport! So much for the luck of the Irish! But she decided to stay, she has often said to me,
"Ut wiz a saign Kumbaley, ut wiz dastiney!"
As for me, well, I was going to an audition in Manchester. I was trying for the part of Elsie Tanner's niece in 'Coronation Street'. I got to the train station and the stupid guard told me the wrong platform! Daft ha'porth! So I ended up in London, I missed my audition! Like Nadine I wondered if this was my destiny after all. And that's how we all met, five girls dreaming of fame, but working at the department store to pay the rent.
One day at the store, new stock was due in and us girls were curious about the new dresses. Sarah's fella Reg let us know the stock had arrived and we sneaked down at break time. The dresses were fab! It was naughty of us but we couldn't resist and each of us tried one on. There we were looking so glamorous but then the fire bell went off!
"Oh fookin' 'ell! We can't go out in these dresses!!" exclaimed Nicola.
"Nicola, language!" I said, "You'll get fined for using your potty mouth in work!"
"Oh says Miss Goody-Two-Shoes wearin' a dress she shouldn't be wearin'!" frowned Nicola. She had a point.
"We can't bloomin' stay dahn 'ere!" shouted Sarah, "It might be a real fire, we'll be burnt to a crisp!"
We had to get out and face the consequences from our supervisor, Miss Harsh. She was such a cow! We assembled outside, firemen were already there, the alarm was real after all! Miss Harsh took a doubletake at us and then glared.
"Uh oh," whispered Cheryl, "old iron knickers has spotted us."
"Oh no!" I cried, "Miss Harsh hasn't told me off before!"
Sarah nudged me, "Only 'cos she ain't caught you aht before nah!" Then she winked at me knowingly.
"I told you that was just a rumour! That rotten sod was making that up!" I gasped.
"Well I'll believe ya, fahsands wouldn't!" Sarah laughed. Harrumph!
So Miss Harsh came over and told us she would have a serious word with us later. Oh no! I couldn't believe our bad luck. We were stuck outside for ages. We chatted for a while and then felt a bit bored. Miss Harsh let the others go to the coffee bar around the corner but as punishment we had to stay out in the cold! She was such a square!
"Shame we ain't got the wireless wiv us," said Sarah, "I could fancy some popular 'its right nah!"
"We know awl the words anyways," shrugged Nadine, "we're good at sunging, we maight as wull sung a song nigh!" So that's what we did! There we were singing 'Will You Love Me Tomorrow?' by The Shirelles, doing a little shimmy too, it certainly warmed us up! As we did that a man came out of the Gents public lavatory opposite, I spotted him in the corner of my eye. He was looking around a bit suspiciously but then he saw us, paused for a moment and started to walk over. It's kinda strange because I swear I could hear tin whistle music as he approached! He was dressed in emerald green action slacks, polo neck jumper and long coat. He liked emerald green I guess!
"'Oo's this granddad then?" whispered Sarah. "An' where's that bloomin' tin whistle music comin' from?!" So she could hear it too!
"Wowsville girls! Top o' da mornin' to ya!", the man said clasping his hands together, "You sound great!"
We looked at each other, blushing a bit, we said thanks.
"And you look fab too! Those dresses are splendid! My name is Hugo Felch, friends call me Huey!"
"So we call you Hugo right?" said Cheryl with a raised eyebrow.
"Hey girls! Don't be so suspicious! Let me explain! I'm a manager of popular recording artistes! Have ya heard of Brad Serious?"
We looked each other and shook our heads.
"Admittedly he only got to number 58 in da hit parade, but he's a good lookin' lad. What about Will Love'emandleave'em?"
We were still lost, Sarah said,
"What kinda surname is that? Sounds bloomin' daft!"
Huey smiled, "Ah well ya see, da girls like a popstar with a dangerous, masculine name, ya know, Marty Wilde, Billy Fury…"
"Ooh yeah and Cliff Richard!" piped up Nicola.
Sarah laughed, "'e's about as threatening as me nan in a pillah fight!"
Nicola frowned, "Cliffs are dangerous aren't they!"
"Well, dat's by da by girls! I tink ya could be Britain's biggest girlgroup! It's funny I've not even thought about girls before!"
The penny dropped that this could be our chance! He explained he knew a genius songwriter who lived in his cellar and never came out except for at night when he would leave a reel to reel tape with his latest song on it on Huey's kitchen table.
"How about it girls? I'll be ya manager, ya get 1% between you!"
"That doesn't sound like much!" I pouted, "And do we get to have a say about things?"
"No, because this is the 1960s and you're pretty dollybirds, leave the thinking to the men!"
Charming! He then said we could have 1% each,
"I can't say fairer dan dat!"
Well I think he could've but the chance of being at the top of the hit parade was too tempting! We took his telephone number and told Miss Harsh where to stick her ruddy job!
Nadine was a bit upset she wouldn't see Desmond the window dresser at work anymore, they'd been engaged for two years and he hadn't even kissed her properly.
"I don't know wot you see in 'im!" said Sarah as we got on the bus to the recording studio to make our first single, "'e wears more hairspray then you do 'e's one of them!"
Nadine frowned, "It's nat that! Desmond is a gentlemun, he ruspects me!"
"'e's a bleedin' pansy Nadine!" said Sarah as the bus conductor handed over her ticket. Nicola started to sway and stare into space.
"Ooh 'eck!" I said, "Nicola's having a turn!"
Eyes bulging Nicola muttered, "In the future… pansies everywhere will love two Australian singing sisters… one more than the other though… the younger one is so upset, her face is frozen…" Awww!
"Australian? Like that Rolf 'Arris? Get aht of it!" scoffed Sarah. I shushed her, Nicola was going to say more.
"And in the future… people will say everything is 'amazing'… and tlk lyke dis on da interwebs, OMG, LOL…"
Oh goodness! She was speaking in tongues! She then snapped out of it and was rubbing her head while looking quite perturbed!
"So yeah Nadine pet," said Cheryl, "don't worry about Desmond, we'll have popstar boyfriends before ya know it!"
"Ooh Paul McCartney please!" I sighed.
"Nah! Mick Jagger!' smiled Sarah, "He can show me his meat and two veg anyday!"
"SARAH!" the rest of us exclaimed. What is that girl like?
Huey wanted to give us a name that was hip and now, so Girls A Go-Go were born! We recorded 'The Oath We Made (Tastes Like Lemonade)' as our first single. Huey briefed us on how we should conduct ourselves.
"Da kids are really diggin' Catherine Perry right now," said Huey, 'her warning song 'She Kissed A Boy (She Got Pregnant)' is a huge hit and I tink da kids like dat accurate message about avoiding getting' in da puddin' club."
We nodded wondering where he was going with this.
"So basically girls, try to maintain dat sort of wholesome image, no filt'y behaviour, or at least not where ya can be seen."
Cheryl spoke up "So like me mam says, 'keep ya hand on ya tuppence'."
Huey nodded. Sarah laughed,
"Or like mine says 'if you can't be good, buy a pram!'"
The image was in place and the single was released. The kids really dug us and we shot to the top of the hit parade!! We've even been on that new show 'Top Of The Pops'! The fans have noticed me and Cheryl's dancing and called it 'The Chim Shimmy'! Our mysterious songwriter has even written our second single and called it just that. Huey reckons it's surefire smash!!
A THURSDAY IN MARCH 1967
Oh maaaaaaaan! Nearly three years of fame baby! Things are going so well for Girls A Go-Go! 'The Chim Shimmy' was at the top of the hit parade for four weeks in the summer of 1964. Groovy! The flipside was our version of 'La Bamba' but we called it 'La Kimba' after me! I was a bit embarrassed at first to be honest, but the fans love it! The initial plan to make us wholesome didn't work out. Catherine Perry followed her No.1 smash 'She Kissed A Boy (She Got Pregnant)' with 'I'm A Nice Girl', 'But He Doesn't Go To Church' and 'Put His Dinner On The Table', all on the album 'Sugar-coated'. So she wasn't doing much for Women's Liberation! We couldn't compete without resorting to dressing as nuns! Huey took some persuading about changing our look, but an arm-wrestling match with Cheryl soon changed his mind, we'd be a bit more 'girls-about-town' (which was also title our second album). So our music has evolved and, of course, now it's about Swingin' London Town and we are part of the in-crowd! Britain loves us and has christened us The Fab Five! Nicola is becoming quite the fashion icon and has been hanging out with Twiggy!
While Nadine attracted a bit of controversy by dating a politician, but it was just a fling baby! Huey flipped his lid at first, but then the publicity was helping record sales so he arranged it for Nadine to pose for some saucy shots. It went well except for this wasp that has been bugging Nadine since 1963.
"Kumbaley, that feckin' waaaaasp agin! Ruining the shats!"
I can't believe it's the same one but Nadine swears it is.
Top photographer David Bailey wanted to photograph Chim! He said he wanted something sexy, but new and dangerous, something menacing. Menacing? Me and Cheryl? But we're sweeties! So we compromised with this poster.
As for Sarah, American artist Andy Warhol became fascinated with her after seeing us perform on 'The Ed Sullivan Show' in the US of A. He invited her to The Factory in New York for some artistic projects. She sent me a letter:
"Kimba me old china!
'Avin' a groovy time in New York! Meetin' Andy War'ol was so cool! Andy is lahvely, weird, but lahvely! 'E said I woz 'is new muse and 'e wanted to make an art movie! 'E said, 'Sarah baby, I will film you for four hours, I will call it… Silence.' Well, I tried me best to stay quiet, but I only lasted two minutes! Oh buggah! 'E was gettin' 'is 'air off wiv me, but we compromised in the end. 'E did these screenprints of me (enclosed). Cool or wot?! Anyway, gotta love ya an' leave ya!
Sarah Harding (Miss)"
Art and pop music is colliding, it's a happening scene! Huey negotiated for us to have our next album cover to be designed by the famous German artist, Brünhilde. She's an old chick but she's no square. We met her at her art studio the other day and she was telling us war stories and stuff about her racy love life. It got a bit much really, I never knew you could do that with the handle of a big paintbrush! 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' is tame in comparison! I wanted to sit down and I saw this wooden chair with an old cardie on it. I went over and moved the cardie, and as I was lowering my bottom, Brünhilde shrieked,
"Gott im himmel! Kimberley liebling! Zat is mein latest art project! You have ruined it!!"
Oh cripes! "Oh I'm so sorry Fräulein Brünhilde! I didn't realise!" I cried.
"It vas to be entitled 'Despair Of Cardigan' a once beautiful knitted object cruelly discarded on a chair! It vas to accompany my other piece 'Despair Of Gloves'."
I felt awful and tried to rearrange it on the chair.
"Ah Kimba baby! Do not vorry, I know you did not mean to desecrate mein künst."
"Your wot?!" laughed Sarah, "Wot have you been up to Kimberley!?"
"Nein, 'künst' is German for 'art'! Vhat did you think I said!?"
Luckily, Huey walked in at that moment.
"Top o' da mornin' to ya Fräulein Brünhilde, I'm afraid I have to talk to da girls right now."
Brünhilde bowed to us and we left. Back at Huey's office he broke some news to us.
"Your squeaky clean hit parade rival Catherine Perry has just revealed some scandalous news! She's pregnant!" Huey paused for dramatic effect.
"And she's nat even married!" gasped Nadine.
"I fort she was on the pill!?" said Sarah.
Huey shook his head, "So did I! But when her manager mentioned it, she said she had been taking it but it kept rolling out! Da silly cow didn't know she had to take it by da mouth!"
"The silly mare! She's finished now!" said Cheryl.
"So girls dat's one more rival out of da way." Smiled Huey while rubbing his hands together. Well she messed with us, she said our miniskirts were too short! Said that Cheryl pulled her pigtails at 'Top Of The Pops', which wasn't even true! While Miss Fairy-Drawers simpers away making the oldsters love her, pretending to be whiter than white, Miss Should-Be-Buried-In-A-Y-Shaped-Coffin! She invoked The Curse! Oh haven't I mentioned The Curse? Nicola went into a trance a while back and said we were protected by The Curse, as long as we stayed united, let nothing or no one divide us, we would stand strong against those full of hate. Oh and she told us,
"In the future… there will be a gyratin' granny, putting a man's face in her rude parts while singing about being like a virgin!"
Blimey! Don't know if I like the sound of that! Any road, the first bit inspired us to make our next album a double concept album called 'The Curse', it's a new psychedelic direction for us! Trippy! It features Nicola doing a twenty minute Hammond organ solo! Should be wild when we perform it in concert!
Now where was I? Oh yes, in Huey's office. Huey then said, "Actually girls, I have someone for you to meet, he just happens to be the father of Catherine Perry's baby." He took us to another room and opened the door… it was TV star Christian Le'Sauve!!!
Gorgeous! I loved to watch him on TV in 'Call Le'Suave' all about a hairdresser by day and crime fighter by night. Whatever scrape he got himself into, his hair remained impeccable! Oh how I swooned! But now here he was in front of me, I had to forget the overpowering attraction and disapprove of his rakish ways.
He stood up and sauntered over. I caught the scent of his expensive cologne.
"Why, Girls A Go-Go! I've never had the pleasure!" he smarmed, the sexy *******! He gently took my hand and kissed it, then he did the same to the other girls. I could still feel the heat of his perfect mouth on my hand. I thought to myself, "No Kimberley. Must. Resist!"
"I presume you've heard of my little mishap with Miss Perry," Christian smiled and raised a beautifully shaped eyebrow, "silly girl should've been more careful. I can take no for an answer… eventually." The chauvinist!
Sarah frowned, although it looked flirtatious too. "So incha gonna do the decent fing and marry 'er?"
Christian laughed an adorable laugh, "Me? Marry? Oh no my dear, terribly bad for the old image! I'm Britain's most eligible bachelor! Handsome devil too! Have you not seen my crime TV action series 'Call Le'Sauve'? A different girl each week, and I am so devoted to my art, that I live and breathe my not-so-demanding role!"
Grrr! I could've hit him! Or throw him onto the nearest beanbag and ravish him! What was happening to me? As a group we'd agreed, Girls A Go-Go come first, guys second, but Christian's beautiful eyes were making me want to bake cakes, run up a pair of curtains on a sewing machine and wash his socks. Okay it was also making me think other things, things that made me quiver, he must have noticed a flush rise to my cheeks.
"Why Miss Walsh, you appear to be blushing! I haven't embarrassed you in any way have I?"
I stuttered, "No, no of course not! It's just rather warm today."
He smiled and looked me right in the eyes, "But it's a cold Spring day, I hope you're not sickening for anything. I fancy you may have a fever." And with that he placed a hand gently on my forehead, I couldn't help it, I sighed quite loudly, then I noticed the other girls glaring at me. I snapped myself out of it and said,
"I'm perfectly fine Mr Le'Sauve. Shouldn't you be showing the mother of your child some concern instead!"
With that he shrugged, lit a cigarette and said goodbye, his last glance I'm sure was aimed at me.
Silence filled the room and I swear we are all regretting Christian's departure. Huey was no exception. He shook his head and got back to business. He told us what was lined up next in light of Catherine Perry's sudden fall from grace. His plan was to release our concept album 'The Curse' in Autumn, Brünhilde would work on the artwork and we could take some time off for the first time in three years! I could do with a holiday…
A WEDNESDAY IN DECEMBER 1967
Summer was wonderful! They call it the Summer Of Love and it really was. A few days into my time off, Christian Le'Suave got in touch. I tried to resist, but he sent me flowers, chocolates in a heart-shaped box, and the loveliest letters. I agreed to see him, but told him,
"Christian, don't make me fall in love with you, I know you're a cad, and we have nothing in common, we're from different worlds! You're the son of an aristocrat, you went to Eton, Oxford, you've wined and dined Hollywood actresses, princesses. And I'm from Yorkshire where there's cobblestones and trouble at t'mill!"
Christian took hold of my hands, "But Kimberley, that doesn't matter, we don't need to have anything in common, love is the key!"
And that was is it. I fell into his arms and we fell in love. He took me to Paris, Rome, St Tropez, Bridlington and other exotic places.
We laughed, we danced 'til dawn, drank expensive champagne and ate the finest cuisine. He explained that our romance had to remain a secret, his image as a man-about-town had to be maintained, he also said work meant he had to would be away for days on end but when we were reunited I was positively giddy with love! Then I was sick. In the mornings. I sensed something and I was so sure that he loved me, it wouldn't be how it was with that Catherine Perry! The doctor confirmed that I was up the duff, a few months gone. The next time I saw Christian I was so nervous, I thought of my future married name, Kimberley Le'Suave, it had a certain ring about it. I cooked dinner for us and waited for my moment. We was looking wistful while he swilled the brandy in his glass, I announced the impending birth of our child.
"Darling!" he smiled and then jumped up to embrace me, "Wonderful news! Oh I'm so pleased!"
I paused and waited for the proposal, but instead he reached for his coat.
"Hang on where are you going?" I asked.
"Honey, I just remembered, I have to see my agent, probably another show, something frightfully boring, but needs must!"
"But it's quarter to ten at night!"
And with that he was gone! He did return a few days later but it wasn't the same anymore, he was distant, yet I was still in love and I hoped he would ask me to be his wife.
Still that wasn't my only worry. What was I going to tell the girls!? We'd all gone off and done our own thing, we'd kept in touch by telephone and letter, but of course I couldn't talk about Christian. The day came last month for us to meet again to discuss the album's launch, I felt excited yet nervous, I was showing quite a bit by then so there was no denying I was with child. I braced myself outside the office of Huey Felch and took a deep breath. I opened the door, walked in and stopped in my tracks.
And there they stood. Cheryl, Nadine, Sarah and Nicola were pregnant too!
"Fookin' 'ell not you too!" gasped Nicola.
"Well it's not wind!" I said with my hands on my hips.
"Nevah mind all that!" said Sarah "I di'en't even know you gals were seein' anyone!"
"Yeah well my fella wanted to keep it quiet." said Cheryl.
"Ma-ine too!" frowned Nadine. Something was dawning on me, something very uncool! Nicola looked at me and I just knew then.
"Christian!" I spat. The girls eyes widened.
"The bloomin' *******!" shouted Sarah. "I wondered where 'e woz off to all the time!"
So that was it, the sudden disappearances, he was jetting off to see the other girls one by one! What a fool I'd been! Then in walked Huey. And Christian.
"Oh whoops-a-daisy! It's a mother's meeting!" smarmed Christian. Meanwhile Huey looked rather pale.
"YOU *******!" we shouted in unison.
"Ladies, ladies, what's the problem? You will have beautiful children thanks to yours truly!" he winked.
Huey stammered, "Girls, what have you done to yourselves!"
"You're 'avin' a laff! It was 'im 'n all!" shouted Sarah. "I fort 'e lahved me! You may fink I'm just aht forra good time but I 'ave feelin's too!"
"Baby I'm just not the loving kind." shrugged Christian, "Besides, all this shagging birds was just a front. I was hiding from who I really was, and as homosexuality has just been legalised, fancy a drink later Huey?"
Huey blushed and said, "I taut ya'd never ask!"
"Okay, Huey hon, catch up with you later, farewell ladies!"
And Christian was gone! I thought things couldn't get any worse. I was wrong. Huey turned back to us,
"Girls, I cannot believe this! You are finished! We can't have unmarried mothers clogging up the pop charts! I'm done with you, I'm sending you to The Home For Naughty Ladies Who Get Themselves Pregnant Out Of Wedlock! You will be written out of the popular music history books!"
We protested of course, threatened legal action but then Huey pulled out our contract signed back in 1963, in the small print it indeed did say that any naughtiness of a high order would be acted upon and our recording careers would be over. We'd divided and The Curse had come back to bite us on the bum! Bugger!
So here we are in The Home For Naughty Ladies Who Get Themselves Pregnant Out Of Wedlock, the newspapers have been told we have suddenly split up, all our records have been withdrawn from the shops and we've been banned from the radio! So much for Sixties free love! Not if you're a girl! I'm writing this by the window on a cold, grey afternoon. Cheryl has just spoken to me, she said Nicola had had another turn.
"She said that one day there would be 'girl powah'" said Cheryl, "and female singahs will have more freedom and respect, and even have little babies if they want without even getting married!"
Sounds good, shame Girls A Go-Go were before their time. For us it's going to be a long cold winter.